Would you hang with anyone in Westworld?

No. The answer is no. Every person in Westworld, creating Westworld, is a weird-ass.

Think about the people who buy a ticket to Westworld, like that Man in Black character. Thinks he’s a badass, but I would be cocky Clint Eastwood too if bullets flew off my chest. This guy uses his money to mess shit up where literally no one can do anything about it. And for no reason, really. I wonder what will happen when he runs into another human. Will he get all embarrassed? Like someone caught him reading 50 Shades of Grey or something? What a loser, dude.

Anyone here has to be pretty weird, right? Guy at the beginning started fine. Bumped shoulders with that bot, said my bad. But his friend? “FUCK YOU, GRIZZLY ADAMS!” This is what I’m sayin’, man. People coming to Westworld are talkin’ shit to robots like a bunch of jackasses. Westworld is a theme park, and you must be this much of an asshole to get on this ride.

If I went there, first thing I’d do is stop by the closest saloon for a 3 Floyds YumYum because, well, basically everyone here sucks. I’d take a whiff of that citrus-y aroma, stare into that cloudy, light orange beverage and think, “Thanks, 3 Floyds. I’ll fight every asshole here for you.”

3 Floyds is famous for their oddball personalities, loving heavy metal music and dark fantasy. In true 3 Floyds spirit, I’d kick open the swinging doors to “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath,” mean-mug all the headcases, then order six YumYums immediately. By the time that sixer settles in, I’m feeling it and need that System of a Down “Chop Suey” to get fully psyched. Finally, I break every YumYum in the saloon over my head to the sweet sound of Death Grips’ “Giving Bad People Good Ideas” and spin outta control into a full brawl outside.

That sounds right. Metalhead spirit aside, 3 Floyds’ YumYum is a session ale, so it’s actually a pretty easy drink. I was impressed with how flavorful it is without driving up the alcohol content. So these Westworld fools are spared for now.

I’ve wasted time, so let me get right to it. OH SHIT. OHHH. SHIT. Escort bot is ON THE LOOSE. I’m so hyped. I figured this would happen, but not so soon. Must be more to the show than this, because if not, it would just be a movie right? I don’t care, man. I don’t care. This is so tight.

• This weirdo got with her? Really? This is the first time the show has felt unrealistic.
• S/o to everyone playing a robot. So easy to forget they are real people.
• During that shootout, I thought, “Hm, no milk?” Two minutes later a bot is drenched in milk. If I grew up in Westworld, I would be as tall as Yao Ming.