Bad Boys // Omnipollo Shploing!!

badboys

WAS MICHAEL BAY 14 WHEN HE MADE THIS

Wow. Talk about a shit show. This week I watched Bad Boys for the first time, and finally got my hands on Omnipollo’s Shploing!! IPA. So, which dumpster should we go pickin’ through first?

I’ll start with Bad Boys, because that one at least has some redeeming qualities. In the first few minutes of the movie, I was excited. I’m so used to seeing old Will Smith, random superheros Will Smith, in space with Jaden Will Smith, ‘TELL THE TRUTH!‘ Will Smith. Hate to say it, but mostly just the kinda-washed Will Smiths.

The one Will Smith you never really see anymore is Movie Star Will Smith™. This is charismatic, funny Will Smith. This Will Smith is basically Austin Powers come to life: “Women want him, and men want to be him.” So you’ve got Movie Star Will playing off Martin Lawrence in a wild Miami action movie. You’d only assume this movie is a banger.

No. This movie sucks lol. I was kind of mesmerized by how many cliches this movie sneaks in. A smarter director could have added enough wit to make this a blockbuster satire. But instead of poking fun at itself, this thing dives head first into the shallow end and is concussed on impact. Can anyone stand a moment of this movie where Will Smith and Martin Lawrence aren’t talking to one another? ‘TELL THE TRUTH!’

My biggest lesson is that Michael Bay always has been Michael Bay. He didn’t shed all the substance once he got to Transformers. He was born to direct Transformers. In a way, seeing this makes me feel better about those movies. It’s not that Hollywood took an old-school summer blockbuster guy and made him a pyromaniac effects whore. He was ahead of the curve on being an effects whore! Pushed action movies into a new visceral, obnoxious direction. But his movies do look a certain way, and he has visual calling cards. Not everyone can say that.

giphy

*cracks knuckles* Now it’s time to shit on this beer. Omnipollo is a Swedish brewery with a cool backstory, made one amazing beer, Noa Pecan Mud Cake Stout, best thing all year, yadda yadda. Since I’ve had that, I think I’ve tried.. four other beers from them?

So I’ve decided: this place is bullshit.

Nothing lives up to Noa, and nothing will. Do you want to know what this fucking thing is? It’s a gah damn IPA brewed with marshmallows, graham crackers, salt and lactose sugar. I mean LOOK AT THE BALLS ON THIS THING.

I shouldn’t be surprised. Noa is a mindfuck. It tastes unbelievable and smells even better, adding so many layers to beer I hadn’t seen before. I wanted more of that from a beer. WELL I GOT IT. Shploing!! is nothing if not one-of-a-kind. But it’s also hot garbage.

All that graham cracker and vanilla is packed into a textured kick at the end of a gulp, and suddenly it feels like I’m taking the cinnamon challenge. What starts as a nice, weird IPA eventually sets off a gag reflex the farther down the pint you go. Sort of hope I had a bad can. People really hype this one up, and I can’t see why off this one.

But Idk who I’m kidding. I’m def still gonna buy Omnipollo beers hoping something is half as great as Noa again. I had Noa for the second time recently and it didn’t let me down. So I’ll keep searching through the shit Shploing!!s and Nautilus of the world for now. That’s what you do with this dumb hobby.

  • Probably at least a couple more of these in the coming weeks.
  • Feel bad for Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. Those two alone actually are fun to watch.
  • Btw have you ever heard of the Bechdel test? It’s a simple litmus test for female characters in a movie. Did Bad Boys pass it? *queue reaction*

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